Entitlement: the right to have or to do something
“What separates privilege from entitlement is gratitude” Brene Brown
There are times when one’s eyes are opened and realizations become clearer. After reading Gary Chapman’s, “Desperate Marriages-Moving Towards Hope and Healing in Your Relationship” (2008), I have become increasingly aware of the attitude of entitlement in my own life and in those around me. Notably, I have learned the most about entitlement from the grace and authentic demonstration of gratitude in others who do not demonstrate entitlement in any way.
Gary Chapman talks about a concept he calls “Reality Living’ in which one chooses to face life with a positive spirit. He believes in six realities that can facilitate focus and provide direction.
1. I am responsible for my own attitude –this has a profound influence on our physical and emotional well-being.
2. My attitude affects my actions- we can be part of the problem or part of the solution.
3. I cannot change others, but I can influence others.
4. My emotions do not control my actions.
5. Admitting my imperfections does not mean that I am a failure.
6. Love is the most powerful weapon for good in the world- love is less an emotion and more an attitude that is demonstrated with appropriate behaviour.
Something I have come to realize is that entitlement is an attitude that is shaped by the responses and boundaries of those close to us, especially in our early years.
As part of my wish to better understand entitlement and the effects on my life, I have been reading a book called Gratitude and Kindness: A Modern parent’s Guide to Raising Children in an era of Entitlement (Fry, C and Ferarri, L, 2015).
Fry and Ferrari believe that gratitude and kindness are important because they can increase our happiness, decrease our stress, increase our ability to reach goals and allow for more caring friendships and social connections. They believe that giving to or making life easier for our children is great unless we do either to such an extent that our children expect and demand from us or others. An attitude of entitlement can make life difficult, as once advantages are assumed to be deserved, disappointment, anger, hurt and resentment can easily follow.
I have been thinking a great deal about the relationship between entitlement, grace and gratitude. Reading Philip Yancey’s “What’s So Amazing about Grace?” (1997), he talks about the primary reason for doing good being the overwhelming gratitude for what Christ has done for us. This could apply to kindness and compassion being an overflow of the gratitude we have, which is the antithesis of an attitude of entitlement.
Fry and Ferrari believe that gratitude is a way of being. It is an affirmation that there are good things in this world that we have received as well as the recognition that the source of the goodness is outside ourselves.
I have found that those who are grateful for what they have tend to be more gracious towards others. And it is far easier to be gracious and generous to those who do not have an attitude of entitlement.
My hope is to cultivate a deep sense of gratitude by being aware of everything I have to be thankful for. And through this gratitude, may there be more of a sense of privilege than of entitlement demonstrating itself through unending grace towards others.